Tag Archives: Paranoid Products

Paranoid Products: Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

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Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

I never liked action figures. To be honest, they were too gay for me. I mean, why the hell would a straight male play with semi-naked, homo-erotic representations of muscled men?
When I was little, I used to play with HotWheels. Perhaps not as manly as owning a real Lamborghini Countach, but definitely a lot less gay than playing with He-Man. I also had a cubik’s rube rubik’s cube held together by duck tape. No, I wasn’t cheating, the thing pisses me off after awhile and I always end up throwing it against the nearest wall.
Ok, I digress. The point is, for those who don’t think that action figures are gay, here is an action figure of Sasquatch, a.k.a. Bigfoot.

They’re big, they’re hairy, and they’re notoriously elusive! This 7.25″ tall, hard vinyl Bigfoot Action Figure toy has stamps on the bottom of his feet and comes with a stamp pad so you can leave mysterious footprints on letters or other fun places. Intricate articulation allows it to be posed just like frame 352 of the famous Patterson film footage.

Oh really? Big, hairy and notoriously elusive!? Jeez…  must be a cold day. Each of these will set you back about 50 bucks and your dignity (you can get part of it back if you say “it’s not mine” when someone asks).  The Bigfoot action figure toy is a discontinued collector’s item, so if you want yours you better hurry up before someone else buys it.

Visit bigfootsurplus.com to buy this and other Bigfoot-related products: Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

If you need me, I will be ordering mine ordering one for my friend, he likes Bigfoot. And he is totally not gay.

Paranoid Products: Alien vs Human Chess Set

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Alien vs Human Chess Set

Celebrating the arrival of aliens to earth this coming October 13th, this week’s Paranoid Product is an Alien vs Human chess set. I know, I know, I should work for international affairs  :mrgreen: Everyone keeps saying that I’m wonderful at it! And by everyone I mean only my Mother and my Girlfriend. I suspect they are being sarcastic, but I’ll assume that I am actually the best diplomat there is.

Alien & Human chess sets have designer stamped and dated Chessmen. Hand crafted and highly detailed chess pieces. King measures 3-3/4″.

Price is for chessmen only. However, you can upgrade it to any chess board or storage chess board at nominal cost. Select from the following options.

The Alien vs Human Chess Set will set you back anywhere from 30 to 80 bucks, depending on the chess board quality.

So now you know what to play with our alien visitors when they knock on your door to say “Greetings Human!”. Unless they find this actually offensive. In that case they will probably deatomize you with their ray gun. I would. Regardless of whether you own an Alien vs Human Chess Set or not. If I was an Alien I would love to test my zappy gun on an living organism!! :mrgreen:

Visit store.shop72.com to get your own: Alien vs Human Chess Set.

While you play chess on your Alien vs Human Chess Set  I will be hiding mine for when the Aliens come. You know, just in case they find it racist and offensive.

Paranoid Products: Alien Doorbell

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Alien Doorbell

This is the perfect doorbell for when you are expecting visitors out of this world or want to pretend that every person that rings your doorbell is an extraterrestrial. Also, creep out friends and neighbors into never visiting you again.

This is one cool product, the flying saucer speaker will deliver noises of a spaceship landing or one of two alien greetings ‘Greetings Earthling or We come in Peace’ so hang your Alien Doorbell outside your room or where ever and the spaceship speaker inside the room and every time a visitor presses the bell, the alien head’s eyes will light up and way you go. Product features:- 1x Alien head size appx: 16 x 16.5cm- 1x Wireless Spaceship speaker size appx: 12cm Diameter- Aliens eyes will light up when button pressed- Batteries included [that's cool]- Boxed

This is a perfect match for your UFO house (If you are fortunate enough to own one), or to skyrocket the creep factor of your home from the regular 4.5 to 11 out of 10! Nobody will ever bother you again, not even pizza delivery guys! (you may want to wait outside your property for your pizza)

Visit getprice.com.au to buy your own Alien Doorbell. Now, while you get your own alien doorbell I will be installing an electric shock doorbell. Halloween is coming and those trick-or-treaters piss me off! Good thing is, the bunker is impossible to T.P.! It’s mostly underground!! HAH! :mrgreen: :thumb:

UPDATE: Turns out Mom came back from the grocery store and electrocuted with my prank doorbell. I’m grounded  :-x


Paranoid Products: The UFO Juicer, Because Your Oranges Need To Be Probed Too!

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UFO Juicer

My Mother always brings me fresh OJ in the morning, she doesn’t know I hate it (and thankfully she doesn’t read this blog either) I usually throw it in the toilet. Why you may ask? Simple, it’s acid, very acid. And I don’t like acid stuff. Except for certain blends of coffee, which leave some pleasant acid aftertaste. Apart from that, I hate acid stuff.
But one thing you learn as you grow up is that not everyone shares your testes tastes, and I know many visitors of this blog like orange juice and UFO shit, at least the ones whom I talked to in person. I’m looking at you, Armando, expect a very nice present for birthmas  :winkwink: What? No, it’s not that juicer, it’s a cheap, crappy one I found in a dollar store. yes, I’m a cheap bastard.

Visit craziestgadgets.com to read more about the product and buy your own if you like OJ and UFOs.
UFO Juicer is Out of this World

Now, if you need me, I will be making orange juice like a real man; with a sledgehammer! What? NO! I’m not going to drink it, I just like to squash oranges with a sledgehammer, that’s all.

Paranoid Products: LumaRay, Because You Are Afraid of the Dark Too (C’mon, Admit It!)

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LumaRay Flashlight

When I was little my Dad used to turn off all the lights in the house at night, to save electricity, he said. Now I know that it was so he could sneak at night to the bar for a drink but back then I firmly believed that there was some sort of energy crisis going on.
One night, after drinking more coffee than I should, I was lying in my bed, sleepless, in the dark. I started to look at my [pig]stylish room and find all kinds of weird spooky shapes hidden in the clothes and toys scattered throughout my room. Suddenly, something moved! I turned my head towards the noise and there he was! A shambling figure creeping in the darkness: My piss-ass drunk Dad, trying to sneak out of the house again, through my bedroom window.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I spent the night with a toy fire truck in my hand, ready to throw it to any ghoul that made an appearance in my room. I didn’t saw any ghoul that night, but I managed to hit my Dad twice in the head with the fire truck.
The next morning, with the bribe he gave me for not telling Mom about his night adventures I bought a flashlight. And today I carry one with me almost all the time. And this morning, this morning I got a new one! It’s called LumaRay FL6. And man, I had to review it here. This shit is like a lightsaber! Except you can’t cut anything with it and I’m not a Jedi warrior.

Hit the break to learn more about the LumaRay Flashlight.

Paranoid Products: Crop Circle Mugs

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Crop Circle Mugs

I know some of you like coffee. I sure do. I drink an average of 15 cups a day. I’d like to attribute it to fact that I am a narcoleptic patient and I need to keep drinking coffee or else I am going to doze off on the spot, but the truth is that I am a perfectly healthy person. I just love coffee. As a matter of a fact, I am drinking a hot cup right now!

There’s other thing I like, not as much as coffee but enough to have a bunch of stuff with it on it (Like my trusty UFO detector :mrgreen: ). And that’s crop circles. I mean, there are other things I’m more crazy about, like Unsolved Mysteries, The X- Files and other paranormal shows, but I do love crop circles. So if you are like me and you like crop circles and coffee, then you’ll love this product.
The crop circle mugs are regular mugs with crop circle designs artfully etched on them, each one will set you back £ 11.00 (about 17 dollars) I have no idea if the manufacturer ships outside UK but you lose nothing asking. Except a couple of minutes writing the e-mail. Visit the product web site to see a bunch more designs and colors: Crop Circle MUGS Or visit the manufacturer’s web site to see a whole lot other crop-circle-etched stuff: Crop Circle Creations

Now, if you need me, I will be calling a friend in London so he can order one for me. Actually the one you see in the picture above (courtesy of cropcirclecreations.co.uk). That’s my favorite color and my favorite crop circle pattern!  :mrgreen:

Paranoid Products: Transparent Alien Figure Model Kit

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Transparent Roswell Alien

I remember when my Mother gave me my first creepy-ass Transparent Man Kit when I was little. She wanted me to be a doctor when I grew up. I was never able to put it together. I discovered that I sucked at model making and ever since then I hate model kits. That was until now, because Lindberg, the folks that made the Transparent Man apparently have a Transparent Alien. The one from the Roswell UFO crash to be precise! I didn’t even knew!
So if the Alien Autopsy Game wasn’t enough for you, this more anatomical version may be your cup of coffee!

The Transparent Alien Figure Model Kit is 19 inches tall and will set you back about 30 bucks. The Transparent Alien comes with complete skeleton and guts and might (or might not) help you train yourself for an alien invasion. So you know where to shoot. learn more about extraterrestrial anatomy.

Visit amazon.com to get your own Lindberg Transparent Alien figure model kit while I go insane trying to assemble my own.

Paranoid Products: UFO Bling For The Ladies (Or Affeminate Gentlemen)

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UFO Charm

Hanging out with a real girl for most of the week made me realize about one thing: Women love jewelry! So this week’s Paranoid Product is a UFO shaped charm.
The Juicy Couture UFO Yorkie Charm is probably the cutest thing you’ve ever seen if you are into small dogs and UFOs. I am not, I hate small dogs (also medium and big ones) and I hate UFOs but there are a whole lot of folks out there who do, so this product is for them. The charm, made by Juicy Couture (BTW, now that’s some gay-ass name!), is shaped like a little UFO with a little extraterrestrial Yorkie dog inside (or maybe it was abducted and is desperately trying to get out, I don’t know). The charm is encrusted with stones (I’m not sure what stones tho, probably not diamonds) and it’s only available in silver. Although that in the photo looks more like turquoise.

Zappos.com is proud to offer the Juicy Couture – UFO Yorkie Charm (Silver) – Jewelry: This Juicy Couture charm is out of this world cute! ; Clips on to Juicy Couture starter bracelets or necklaces (sold separately). ; Silver-tone with enamel and rhinestone accents. ; 1 wide by 1 3/4 long. ; Packaged in a Juicy Couture gift box. ; 0.95 oz.

The charm will set you back about 50 bucks and is available in several online stores, I found it in polyvore.com so visit them to get your own: Juicy Couture – UFO Yorkie Charm (Silver) – Jewelry if you are too lazy to search or google Juicy Couture UFO Yorkie Charm to find a better deal. It must be on ebay as well but I haven’t checked.

Now, if you need me, I will be buying one for my girl! Hope she likes it!

Image courtesy of polyvore.com

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