Category Archives: Paranoid Products

Paranoid Products: Survival Kits For The Upcoming World War

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As you all know (or at least, should know), the Third World War is predicted to start sometime in the next month. And I decided to take it seriously and write educative posts related to WW3. It may be just a lousy prediction, but it’s better to be prepared than caught by surprise.
By now you should already have your survival kit, but in case you procrastinated, here is one you can buy already assembled. Unfortunately I didn’t found one specifically designed for a Nuclear War so instead, I am going to post a link to a page with a bunch of survival kits that may be useful to you. Or maybe not, I don’t know. I do not endorse in any way, shape of form this vendor cause I never bought anything from them (yet, when I do I’ll let you know). I searched through a couple hundreds and hundreds of  sites and this looked good to me.

The selection includes, but it’s not limited to: Gas masks, Survival Kits, Potassium Iodate Tablets (for radiation poisoning), Complete Medical Kits, Pandemic Flu Kits and much, much more. I suggest you to visit them if you believe this war is going to happen and arm yourself to the teeth with supplies.

Visit preparedplanet.com to buy your own survival kit while I try to come up with a survival kit to survive an alien invasion!
Emergency and Disaster Kit Supplies for Home, Office, Car or Shelter

Image courtesy of preparedplanet.com

Paranoid Products: Alien Hunt Alarm Clock

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Alien Hunt Alarm Clock

I drink an assload of coffee every day, so much that sometimes I can’t sleep at night. After a few hours of watching scrambled pr0n lolcats (I totally love cats!!), writing in my blog and playing XBox, I get sleepy and I hit the sack, just to hear the alarm clock to go to work a few moments later. Therefore, it’s perfectly normal for me to want to shoot the God damn thing when the  alarm goes off. Which I naturally do. I sleep with a .45 under the pillow.

Sometimes it can take a lot to wake up. Hey you’re tired out from all those late night FPS shooters, WOW sessions, Tweets and Facebook updates. But probably if you were trapped on an alien spacecraft with evil facehuggers plotting to implant alien embryos inside your body to later grow to maturity and burst from your chest… waking up would be easy. The Alien Hunt Alarm Clock tries to simulate these conditions in an effort to rouse you so you can get to work and not lose your job.

Trapped on an alien spacecraft with evil facehuggers plotting to implant alien embryos inside my body to later grow to maturity and burst from my chest, huh? Yep. That’s a damn good reason to wake up. Except I have enough reasons to wake up screaming already.

Hit the break and learn more.

Paranoid Products: Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

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Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

I never liked action figures. To be honest, they were too gay for me. I mean, why the hell would a straight male play with semi-naked, homo-erotic representations of muscled men?
When I was little, I used to play with HotWheels. Perhaps not as manly as owning a real Lamborghini Countach, but definitely a lot less gay than playing with He-Man. I also had a cubik’s rube rubik’s cube held together by duck tape. No, I wasn’t cheating, the thing pisses me off after awhile and I always end up throwing it against the nearest wall.
Ok, I digress. The point is, for those who don’t think that action figures are gay, here is an action figure of Sasquatch, a.k.a. Bigfoot.

They’re big, they’re hairy, and they’re notoriously elusive! This 7.25″ tall, hard vinyl Bigfoot Action Figure toy has stamps on the bottom of his feet and comes with a stamp pad so you can leave mysterious footprints on letters or other fun places. Intricate articulation allows it to be posed just like frame 352 of the famous Patterson film footage.

Oh really? Big, hairy and notoriously elusive!? Jeez…  must be a cold day. Each of these will set you back about 50 bucks and your dignity (you can get part of it back if you say “it’s not mine” when someone asks).  The Bigfoot action figure toy is a discontinued collector’s item, so if you want yours you better hurry up before someone else buys it.

Visit bigfootsurplus.com to buy this and other Bigfoot-related products: Bigfoot Action Figure Toy

If you need me, I will be ordering mine ordering one for my friend, he likes Bigfoot. And he is totally not gay.


Paranoid Products: Alien vs Human Chess Set

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Alien vs Human Chess Set

Celebrating the arrival of aliens to earth this coming October 13th, this week’s Paranoid Product is an Alien vs Human chess set. I know, I know, I should work for international affairs  :mrgreen: Everyone keeps saying that I’m wonderful at it! And by everyone I mean only my Mother and my Girlfriend. I suspect they are being sarcastic, but I’ll assume that I am actually the best diplomat there is.

Alien & Human chess sets have designer stamped and dated Chessmen. Hand crafted and highly detailed chess pieces. King measures 3-3/4″.

Price is for chessmen only. However, you can upgrade it to any chess board or storage chess board at nominal cost. Select from the following options.

The Alien vs Human Chess Set will set you back anywhere from 30 to 80 bucks, depending on the chess board quality.

So now you know what to play with our alien visitors when they knock on your door to say “Greetings Human!”. Unless they find this actually offensive. In that case they will probably deatomize you with their ray gun. I would. Regardless of whether you own an Alien vs Human Chess Set or not. If I was an Alien I would love to test my zappy gun on an living organism!! :mrgreen:

Visit store.shop72.com to get your own: Alien vs Human Chess Set.

While you play chess on your Alien vs Human Chess Set  I will be hiding mine for when the Aliens come. You know, just in case they find it racist and offensive.

Paranoid Products: Alien Doorbell

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Alien Doorbell

This is the perfect doorbell for when you are expecting visitors out of this world or want to pretend that every person that rings your doorbell is an extraterrestrial. Also, creep out friends and neighbors into never visiting you again.

This is one cool product, the flying saucer speaker will deliver noises of a spaceship landing or one of two alien greetings ‘Greetings Earthling or We come in Peace’ so hang your Alien Doorbell outside your room or where ever and the spaceship speaker inside the room and every time a visitor presses the bell, the alien head’s eyes will light up and way you go. Product features:- 1x Alien head size appx: 16 x 16.5cm- 1x Wireless Spaceship speaker size appx: 12cm Diameter- Aliens eyes will light up when button pressed- Batteries included [that's cool]- Boxed

This is a perfect match for your UFO house (If you are fortunate enough to own one), or to skyrocket the creep factor of your home from the regular 4.5 to 11 out of 10! Nobody will ever bother you again, not even pizza delivery guys! (you may want to wait outside your property for your pizza)

Visit getprice.com.au to buy your own Alien Doorbell. Now, while you get your own alien doorbell I will be installing an electric shock doorbell. Halloween is coming and those trick-or-treaters piss me off! Good thing is, the bunker is impossible to T.P.! It’s mostly underground!! HAH! :mrgreen: :thumb:

UPDATE: Turns out Mom came back from the grocery store and electrocuted with my prank doorbell. I’m grounded  :-x

Paranoid Products: The UFO Juicer, Because Your Oranges Need To Be Probed Too!

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UFO Juicer

My Mother always brings me fresh OJ in the morning, she doesn’t know I hate it (and thankfully she doesn’t read this blog either) I usually throw it in the toilet. Why you may ask? Simple, it’s acid, very acid. And I don’t like acid stuff. Except for certain blends of coffee, which leave some pleasant acid aftertaste. Apart from that, I hate acid stuff.
But one thing you learn as you grow up is that not everyone shares your testes tastes, and I know many visitors of this blog like orange juice and UFO shit, at least the ones whom I talked to in person. I’m looking at you, Armando, expect a very nice present for birthmas  :winkwink: What? No, it’s not that juicer, it’s a cheap, crappy one I found in a dollar store. yes, I’m a cheap bastard.

Visit craziestgadgets.com to read more about the product and buy your own if you like OJ and UFOs.
UFO Juicer is Out of this World

Now, if you need me, I will be making orange juice like a real man; with a sledgehammer! What? NO! I’m not going to drink it, I just like to squash oranges with a sledgehammer, that’s all.

Paranoid Products: LumaRay, Because You Are Afraid of the Dark Too (C’mon, Admit It!)

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LumaRay Flashlight

When I was little my Dad used to turn off all the lights in the house at night, to save electricity, he said. Now I know that it was so he could sneak at night to the bar for a drink but back then I firmly believed that there was some sort of energy crisis going on.
One night, after drinking more coffee than I should, I was lying in my bed, sleepless, in the dark. I started to look at my [pig]stylish room and find all kinds of weird spooky shapes hidden in the clothes and toys scattered throughout my room. Suddenly, something moved! I turned my head towards the noise and there he was! A shambling figure creeping in the darkness: My piss-ass drunk Dad, trying to sneak out of the house again, through my bedroom window.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I spent the night with a toy fire truck in my hand, ready to throw it to any ghoul that made an appearance in my room. I didn’t saw any ghoul that night, but I managed to hit my Dad twice in the head with the fire truck.
The next morning, with the bribe he gave me for not telling Mom about his night adventures I bought a flashlight. And today I carry one with me almost all the time. And this morning, this morning I got a new one! It’s called LumaRay FL6. And man, I had to review it here. This shit is like a lightsaber! Except you can’t cut anything with it and I’m not a Jedi warrior.

Hit the break to learn more about the LumaRay Flashlight.

Paranoid Products: UFO Teapot, because it’s Tea Time in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

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Last week’s Paranoid Product was a Crop Circle Mug, because I am a coffee person. Coffee is my muse, I cannot conceive my life without it. But there are a lot of people out there that love tea (Meh to all of you!  :-| ) So I decided that this week’s Paranoid Product will be a tea-related product; a UFO Teapot. And just for the record, I don’t like tea, it doesn’t give me that extra ‘kick’ I need in the morning, it’s not that diverse either. You only got green, black and white tea. Coffee? There are like 200 different blends of it!!! (but I only have 30 at home). Also, chicks dig coffee drinkers!  :winkwink:

It is pretty amazing that you can take a somewhat generically shaped teapot and make it look like a UFO just by putting an alien on top. This does seem to be the first time I have seen an overweight alien. They are normally depicted as skinny things, but this guy has obviously been on Earth for too long.

So there you have it,  if you like UFOs and tea, that’s your product. The UFO teapot  will set you back about 80 bucks, it’s made out of teapot material and…  it holds tea. What!? I don’t know anything about teapots or tea! Ask anything about coffee tho.

Visit nerdapproved.com to view the source article: UFO Teapot: Is That Alien Overweight?

or

Check the product site to get your own: teapots, collectable, novelty teapots made by Andy Titcomb (it’s right by the middle I think)

While you get your teapot, I will be drinking coffee. A real drink, for real jittery men.

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