So many people have been writing, asking if I’m dead because of the obvious lack of posts in my Blog. I am not. I assure you am very much alive and kicking, however I got a new job now and I don’t have time to post anything anymore. This is where you, dear reader, come in. Would you like to write for Paranoid News and embrace fame and fortune? Want to roll in cash money? Take a morning dip in your pool of $100 bills? You came to the wrong place, I’m only looking for volunteers ’cause I’m probably as broke as you. I’m not gonna lie to you, I do make money from the ads, but I’m a cheap a**hole it’s barely enough to cover the operational costs of this Blog and buy me a beer every Sunday and a coffee every morning. However if it’s your posts what bring more visits to this Blog, I will most definitely share that cash with you and pay you for each post you submit.
It needs to be in a similar format to what’s already in use; Intruduction=>Break/”Read more” link=>Information and conclusion.
It has to be actual news, backed by a believable source article. This Blog is all about comedy but I try to keep it real (or, as real as possible).
It must have good spelling. If it looks like it was written by an armless autistic 5 year old I am not even going to bother reading it.
And with that in mind, it also needs to be funny and witty, we don’t want people running scared like headless chickens after visiting this Blog (ok, maybe a little).
It must be 100% original. I hate reposts. If I wanted to post what someone else wrote I would contact the original author.
Do not dig too deep, we don’t want to end up in a ditch. I do this merely for fun, if you want to denounce the evils of the NWO or some other group there are other Blogs for that.
SEO is a definitive plus!
Interested? Contact me via the Paranoid Contact Form and submit your sample post/article, I will post the best post(s) here crediting you as the writer (No real names please, come up with a nickname and stick to it).
When I was a child I was stung by a hornet, it hurt so badly that I thought hornets were evil. I still do actually. Hornets are f***ing evil! I have prayed for years to God to make them all go extinct and God heard my prayers. And then he laughed a lot and sent these creatures directly from the fiery pits of hell to replace the regular hornets; Giant-ass hornets!!! Like the regular, small ones were not enough!!!
These bastards have 1/4” stingers, and unlike their smaller cousins, these will chase you for hundreds of feet! Some of the victims of these nasty giant hornets reported to be stung as many as 200 times!!! See, this is why we can’t let bees go extinct. ‘Cause their place in nature will be taken by these and other impostors!!
At least 42 people have died and other 1,675 have been injured in giant hornet attacks in China and you know what’s the really scary thing about this? They are not just in China!
If you thought that hackers were your worst nightmare, brace yourselves ’cause there’s something worse; The FBI! Yes, Folks, you heard read right! When it comes to stealing your info, the FBI takes the price. But if you’re reading this, you probably already knew that. And there is a method to their madness? Like, a tool they use to hack the everliving shit out of your info, and I’m sure they have many, but now you can take a look at the history of their most successful tool: The Magic Lantern. The Magic Lantern is a keylogger that usually gets into your computer through that e-mail attachment or exploitable operating system vulnerabilities and records every single key you press, sending that information back to the FBI headquarters. You can learn more about the history of this tool in this awesome infographic, click here to look at the whole thing. Now, is this it? As in, is this is all that comprises FBI’s tool kit of taking your privacy away? Far from it. There are things that will not surface until many years later, but at least now you know what you are up against. Don’t mess with the FBI!
If you have ever been scared of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and find yourself in the middle of a terrorist attack, get ready for what you are about to read because this will shatter your world! Like, literally. Those guys strap bombs to their Jihadist asses! Not only will that shatter your world, but it will shatter you too!! And guess what!? Their training camps are all around the United States! Either legit terrorists or CIA-funded, the end result will be the same; Some shit hitting a fan.
And not that I’m against their religion or anything, but, ‘cmon, convert people through explosions? That ain’t right in my book. And I’m not talking about the bible. I actually have a book of rights and wrongs; Wrong thing #463: Blowing people up.
Hit the break to see the list and probably move out somewhere else.
If you remember, 2 years ago, around this time of the year, there was a small outbreak of a deadly bacteria called Naegleria Fowleri in Louisiana, 3 people died of encephalitis. The authorities denied back then that the bug could be in the water supply, however a man in his early 20s contracted the rare parasite while rinsing his nose with tap water, so there’s that.
Now the parasite is back, this time in the water system in the St. Bernard Parish of Louisiana, but authorities can’t deny it anymore like the last time; It’s in the water supply and a 4-year-old died because of it. Hit the break to read more about it.
Do you remember that one post about the Arctic ice cap almost gone? Well, this post is going to tell you the exact opposite, the polar caps are not melting but growing at an exponential rate! And I don’t know you, Folks, but I am confused. Should I, or should I not start running in circles, waving my arms in the air in complete and utter panic? Should I start praying to St. Potato? What the hell do I do? On one hand they say the polar caps are melting, on the other, that they aren’t. Which one is it!? Do I buy a boat or a shit-ton of winter clothes? Hit the break to get further confused.
This is big news, Folks. Really big freaking news! A nuclear strike?? Are you kidding me!? Now, provided that these terrorists really do exist, I’d get all my stuff and get my buttox out of North Carolina right after reading this! And I say, “if they really exist” ’cause there has been a lot of war-causing false flag attacks in the past 50 years, so this might as well be one of them. And it’s not that I don’t think that terrorists exist or that they could blow up a chunk of the “land of the infidels” with a nuclear device, but something makes me think that this ain’t the droids you’re looking for your regular terrorists. Something’s off. Like, first: You don’t go to the mall and say “one nuke please”, terrorists (or rather, the general public) don’t have easy access to a nuclear warhead. When it comes to nuclear devices they usually make “dirty” bombs. What really makes this a dead giveaway, and nuclear warheads being shipped from a major Texas airforce base to South Carolina. Might be a coincidence, but, would you take the chance? Hit the break for a lengthy but informative video.