Elongated Skulls Found In Peru Not Actually Human!!!

Paracas Skull Museum

So for those who have been following  Paranoid News from the beginning, I am sure you remember the Star Child skull; An infant-sized skull with amazing and uncanny properties that apparently is not human. But I am here to tell you that the Star Child skull is not the only one around. Weird elongated skulls (not to be confused with these fake but really cool ones made out of crystal) have been found all around the world. Most scientists agree that this might be attributed to the ancient practice of cradle-boarding, which consists in strapping infants into cradleboards to deform and/or elongate their soft, little heads. Who knew being a sausage head was so popular in the old days?
These ones from Peru have been tested and the DNA results show that they are not human! Alien perhaps? Hit the break to learn more about these incredible skulls and the DNA findings that make them so incredible!

It’s a Bird, it’s a Plane – No it is just a multicolor UFO!

Wow! GIANT "Being" & UFO Together On Camera? MUST SEE 2014

UFO stories are becoming more and more heard of these days and with the smartphone it has become extremely easy to capture proof of such UFO encounters. Many times these UFOs will be called anything other than aliens by experts, hell they might call it a flying pig! That doesn’t mean that a good handful of sightings aren’t extra-terrestrial. One recent piece of footage released on YouTube really has our heads scratching worse than when we don’t shampoo properly at Paranoid News, in this video that was uploaded recently we see an orb in the sky that is moving at erratic speeds (slow and fast) and directions. What makes things even crazier is that as it moves it changes color in a blink of an eye. How in the hell does something like that happen! Either we have a really drunk pilot on a new type of aircraft that no one has ever heard of or it is aliens. I think aliens seem least far fetch as a matter a fact. Click through for the actual video.

The New Bullet Round Called R.I.P. Isn’t As Good As It Sounds

R.I.P. Bullet Round

If you are a gun rights supporter or just a firearm lover, you may have heard about R.I.P., the ultra-devastating, new bullet round specially designed to turn any aggressor with internal organs into a corpse before he can say “Ouch! My insides!”. This new bullet round will fragment into a million pieces upon impact shredding your attacker’s internal organs into mulch. Naming the bullet round “R.I.P.” does get the message across. “The last round you will ever need”, they say, and by the looks of it, “R.I.P.” is quite accurate. It’s probably safe to assume that R.I.P. stands for: “Rest In Pieces”.
But as cool and useful as this nifty little bullet round may sound, does R.I.P. really do what it promises? The short answer is: Yes, yes it does, and very damn well. But there’s one little thing the designers of this projectile didn’t think about. Hit the break to learn why R.I.P. may not be your best bet.

Your Paranoia Is Directly Proportional To Your Height, Study Shows!

virtual reality height experiment

Ok, I gotta call bullcrap on this one. I am average height and I AM Paranoid (Jhonny Paranoid). But maybe I’m the exception? Perhaps. As it turns out, this new and allegedly revolutionary study shows that your height is directly linked to  your level of paranoia. The shorter you are, the more paranoid you get! So if you are a midget you probably must think that aliens implanted a microchip in your butt that makes all your left socks disappear!
But, is this true? Hit the break and learn why if you are short I called your momma fat 3 times in this post so far using cryptic messages. HAH! Got you!

Justin Bieber is a Smoke Screen For Real News

Justin Bieber Mugshot

Turn the channel to any news station and what do I see? This little piece of shit named Justin Bieber getting all the airtime. If you haven’t already heard the teen dumbass got arrested for DUI and racing on the streets of Miami. Yeah it was wrong, dangerous, and stupid but he isn’t the first or last dumb F*** to do something this wrong.

 So why the hell is it news? Surely there are more prominent issues to discuss like I don’t know a genocide that has been going on since 2003 in Darfur or GMO taking over our crop yields. Well news flash to all of you, these news agencies are run by big players who have some sort of government ties or interests. The government doesn’t want you to know this kind of stuff because there lazy asses who do not give two shits about it. These are not some new world order conspiracy theories. These are real new world order facts! In the end they only want to stay in power and make money.

Paranoid Writers Needed!

Top SecretSo many people have been writing, asking if I’m dead because of the obvious lack of posts in my Blog. I am not. I assure you am very much alive and kicking, however I got a new job now and I don’t have time to post anything anymore. This is where you, dear reader, come in. Would you like to write for Paranoid News and embrace fame and fortune?  Want to roll in cash money? Take a morning dip in your pool of $100 bills? You came to the wrong place, I’m only looking for volunteers ’cause I’m probably as broke as you. I’m not gonna lie to you, I do make money from the ads, but I’m a cheap a**hole it’s barely enough to cover the operational costs of this Blog and buy me a beer every Sunday and a coffee every morning. However if it’s your posts what bring more visits to this Blog, I will most definitely share that cash with you and pay you for each post you submit.

  • It needs to be in a similar format to what’s already in use; Intruduction=>Break/”Read more” link=>Information and conclusion.
  • It has to be actual news, backed by a believable source article. This Blog is all about comedy but I try to keep it real (or, as real as possible).
  • It must have good spelling. If it looks like it was written by an armless autistic 5 year old I am not even going to bother reading it.
  • And with that in mind, it also needs to be funny and witty, we don’t want people running scared like headless chickens after visiting this Blog (ok, maybe a little).
  • It must be 100% original. I hate reposts. If I wanted to post what someone else wrote I would contact the original author.
  • Do not dig too deep, we don’t want to end up in a ditch. I do this merely for fun, if you want to denounce the evils of the NWO or some other group there are other Blogs for that.
  • SEO is a definitive plus!

Interested? Contact me via the Paranoid Contact Form and submit your sample post/article, I will post the best post(s) here crediting you as the writer (No real names please, come up with a nickname and stick to it).

Giant-ass Hornets Run Rampant In China, Kill People!!

Giant Chinese Hornets

When I was a child I was stung by a hornet, it hurt so badly that I thought hornets were evil. I still do actually. Hornets are f***ing evil!  I have prayed for years to God to make them all go extinct and God heard my prayers. And then he laughed a lot and sent these creatures directly from the fiery pits of hell to replace the regular hornets; Giant-ass hornets!!! Like the regular, small ones were not enough!!!
These bastards have 1/4” stingers, and unlike their smaller cousins, these will chase you for hundreds of feet! Some of the victims of these nasty giant hornets reported to be stung as many as 200 times!!! See, this is why we can’t let bees go extinct. ‘Cause their place in nature will be taken by these and other impostors!!

At least 42 people have died and other 1,675 have been injured in giant hornet attacks in China and you know what’s the really scary thing about this? They are not just in China!

Hit the break to read more.

Infographic: FBI’s Magic Lantern!

FBIs Magic Lantern

If you thought that hackers were your worst nightmare, brace yourselves ’cause there’s something worse; The FBI! Yes, Folks, you heard read right! When it comes to stealing your info, the FBI takes the price. But if you’re reading this, you probably already knew that. And there is a method to their madness? Like, a tool they use to hack the everliving shit out of your info, and I’m sure they have many, but now you can take a look at the history of their most successful tool: The Magic Lantern. The Magic Lantern is a keylogger that usually gets into your computer through that  e-mail attachment or exploitable operating system vulnerabilities and records every single key you press, sending that information back to the FBI headquarters. You can learn more about the history of this tool in this awesome infographic, click here to look at the whole thing.  Now, is this it? As in, is this is all that comprises FBI’s tool kit of taking your privacy away? Far from it. There are things that will not surface until many years later, but at least now you know what you are up against. Don’t mess with the FBI!

Special thanks to Stella, for sending me the tip via the Paranoid Contact Form.

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